Illuminati Membership Application Form

For consideration of and into the Fraternal order of the Illuminati, please complete the following application and carry with you for submission to your pledger, sponsor or wo-grantee.

NAME (yours):  ____________________________________

D.O.B.: ____________________________________

RACE: ____________________________________

PREFERRED RACE: ____________________________________

RELIGION: ____________________________________

Describe your education: ____________________________________

Describe your current family life: ____________________________________

Describe your ideal family life: ____________________________________

Explain your aspirations (In other words, what can we do for you?): ________________________________________________________________________

What qualifies you to this position? (If nothing, write “Nothing” or “I don’t know”): ________________________________________________________________________

Who would you be willing to kill for membership to the Illuminati? (You’ll be required to after admission, but that will be covered in your introduction packet.) ________________________________________________________________________

Who would you not be willing to kill for membership to the Illuminati? ________________________________________________________________________

When are you available to start? (If immediately, write “Immediately” or “ASAP”, but nothing else or your application will be rejected. Also, please be sure to put date in MM/DD/YYYY:HR:MN:SC format, or it will also be rejected): ____________________________________

How many people will you have punched? ____________________________________

What’s a dickfer? (Correct answer is “peeing,” but we will also accept “mutton stuffing,” “she-manning” and “gherkin jerking”.) ____________________________________


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SIGNATURE 


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PRINTED NAME			DATE

NOTE: By signing this document, the above person hereby indicates an acceptance of our complete terms of membership, available in three volumes, that can be read no sooner than thirty (30) days after admission, but no later than forty-five (45) days; You furthest affirm and attest that you are a baptized Christian, or that you will become one, even if you are a person of another practice or faith, or that you will become one within 36-48 minutes of your indoctrination, and that you also accept your willingness to swear a blood oath to the Dark Lord Lucifer immediately after such time; You attest that no portion of this application is fraudulent, falsified or misleading, and that you have not completed it with a pencil of any number, but rather a pen that dispenses ink from its tip in rollerball, felt-tipped or other approximate, appropriate fashion; By applying for membership you concede that you will always and forever do precisely as requested by the Illuminati, even if your membership application is denied; You will be required to forfeit the majority of your life’s income from this point forward, provided only that it is somehow Illuminati-derived income, even if this means that you will not be fired from your current job while your manager, supervisor or employer is Illuminati, which means you might maintain the same job in the same place at the same rate of pay, but be required to forego some or all of your income, plus applicable taxes drawn from your personal savings, or from theft, or in trade for “acts” performed at the request of Illuminati; You acknowledge that membership is a privilege, not a right, and that we reserve the right at any time to revoke our offer, revoke your membership, punch you in the face, demand you run for political office, forbid you from taking a role in a movie, or ask you to start, stop, pause, protest or invade any cause, place, thing, person or person’s child, solely at our discretion; You further agree that by signing this, that this is your true and accurate signature, and that you have not altered or adulterated your signature in any way, for purposes of humor, fraud or curiosity as they may arise in you; You swear that from the moment you meet a confirmed Illuminatus you will not never now or again say the word “Illuminati” aloud, lest death become you; So help you God.

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