Join Us Now

Joining the Illuminati has never been easier. No longer do we require complex rituals and personal invitations. We’re open for business, proud to admit who we are, and eager to see you join our illustrious ranks.

But this isn’t exactly FaceBook or Amway (but don’t ask about either of those), so you will still have to do some work to actually get in.

Here’s what you need to do:

1 - Print out and complete our Membership Application Form. Keep this on your person at all times, because as soon as you meet a member, you’ll need to present it.

2 - Go about your normal, civilian life, while still carrying the membership. Be on the lookout for persons you suspect of being Illuminati. They can be managers or janitors, farmers or framers, business owners or baristas, and they come in every color of the Benetton rainbow.

3 - Once you meet one, you’ll need to go through the call/response signs. This proves to them that you know about us, and that you want to join. It also proves to them that you are ready, willing, able and desperate to join us.

The introduction sign is you saying, “Don’t I know you from somewhere…” be sure to put the emphasis on the word “you”.

The response should be, “I think I have seen you some place.”

4 - Once you’ve established contact in this way, take your membership papers out of your pocket and hold them in your hand. Show the sponsor that you have it ready, but do not unfold it or give it to them. Negotiate for the two of you to go somewhere very private to continue your meeting, perhaps an inexpensive nearby hotel. Congratulations, at this point you are on the verge of something very big.

Most importantly, when you’re on your way to this private meeting location, constantly look over your shoulder to make sure you aren’t followed. Feel free to take suspicious changes in course to be certain you don’t have a tail on you. If you’re uncertain your “new friend” is really one of us, ask repeatedly, “You’re not a cop, are you?” Legally, they can only say they aren’t twice, and by the third time must answer honestly, otherwise it’s entrapment.

From there, the magic begins. Your new life will be like nothing you imagined.

And welcome to the illuminati. You’ll receive your get-out-of-jail-free card from your sponsor once you’ve been inducted, indoctrinated, and wholly hazed.

(Member Application Form Available Here)