Membership Has Its Privileges

You’ve heard of us, the Illuminati, and surely you must know the power we possess. It’s natural you would want to join us, who wouldn’t, but before you do it’s important you recognize the full spectrum of benefits we have to offer, so that when you join, and are given your due post in this world, you will understand what it is that you’ve been given, so you can pay back to us what is due.

RUN FOR OFFICE

Incumbents are almost never unseated, but sometimes they are, and sometimes by the most unlikely of candidates. How do you think that happens? How does an unheard of politician go from sitting in a strip mall office to a position of ultimate power in the span of just a few years?

CRIMINAL TRIALS

Our numbers are so great, it is statistically unlikely that any single jury in the nation does not have at least one member on it. That means that once you join, the worst fate you’ll ever see in court is a hung jury.

OWN THE POLICE

Police are paid very well, somehow, and selection is for service is very difficult. We control most police academy selection processes, so once you’re a member in good standing, the odds of getting arrested or ticketed drop almost to zero. If you are arrested or cited, you will face the lightest possible punishment. Consider all the celebrities with “terrible” felonies that serve only a few hours in jail. Do you think this is pure coincidence?

MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD

You’re a talented actor but just need your big break? We’ve all seen that brilliant actor who spends year after year at the community theater. He is not a member. On the other hand you’ve got actors like Gary Busey and Nick Nolte (I didn’t say they’re members, I said “like” them) who plainly have no talent whatsoever and nearly crippling mental and addiction problems, and they’re on the A-List. It almost makes you wonder how it happens… almost.

GO PLATINUM

You’ve got a set of pipes but you know you’ll never make it in the recording industry because you don’t live in Los Angeles? We can help. Who do you think manufactures boy bands from high school talent shows and cultivates them to become international stars? If you notice a celebrity who

5,000 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

If you think you’re too fat, dumpy or just plain ugly to have unprotected sex with thousands of partners and never contract a single sexually transmitted disease, I would ask the court to enter Ron Jeremy into evidence as state’s exhibit 69. Before his penile-quadrupling procedure and spinal inversion surgery, he was no one. Today he is retired from a life in the adult entertainment industry that can only be described as “Who the hell made that guy a porn star?” Feel free to make your guesses, but as always, we can neither confirm nor deny anything.

IRS & DEA BE DAMNED

You might remember the plight of one Willie Nelson, who lost his home and everything else because of allegedly failing to pay his taxes. Only a few years later, the outlook was quite different. His taxes were taken care of, his wealth was restored, when he was arrested for having one-pound of marijuana and almost one pound of “magic mushrooms”, he walked away with a small fine and an apology from the court. If you are caught with two-pounds of controlled substance, do you think the “personal use” defense is going to work for you?

10% DISCOUNT OFF AAA

Even if you don’t have Triple-A (AAA), your Illuminati membership will grant you access to a variety of discounts around town on restaurants, beauty salons, and feed supply stores. Just one of the many benefits our members enjoy.

UNLIMITED WEALTH

Banks don’t hold real money these days, they hold imaginary money in the form of a bunch of pages full of numbers. Well imagine yourself having more numbers, and it’s just that easy. We coordinate fictional loans without repayment schedules (which are still tax deductible) for members, and when a bank ultimately fails, we jump in to backdate paperwork so all of these “imaginary payments” disappear. When a certain energy company failed a few years ago and tens of billions of dollars evaporated overnight, the debt didn’t just die and go to money heaven, it had already been drawn out and spent by members of our fraternity.

WORST/RICHEST SCULPTOR or ARCHITECT in the WORLD

Surely you’ve seen a building or sculpture that looked like someone shat it out in five minutes, or was sailing on a sea of mescaline unimaginable to most mortals, and wondered who paid the outrageous fortune to build such things. Civic art and governmental architecture are extremely lucrative trades and require absolutely no background in their respective fields, so why do people like Frank Gehry and Dale Chihuli earn millions for work that looks like they drafted it during an earthquake? The answer is simple; it’s either art (do you think it is?) or someone tilted the equation to make them the only possible winners… you decide.

INVENT YOUR OWN SPORT & BE FAMOUS AT IT

Extreme sports didn’t even exist until a member of the Illuminati decided he wanted to legitimize the efforts of his slacker son. Rather than force him to go to college, he called in some favors and invented the whole idea of getting paid to ride skateboards, flip motorcycles, and jump bicycles over things. We saw the Big Foot monster truck on “That’s Incredible”, and invented the USHRA to monetize the odd infatuation of rural America into something so unique only we could control it. If you have a non-skill you know we could bring to the mainstream by force, you might be the exact sort of next-gen Illuminati we’re looking for.

INVENT A NON-INVENTION

Think about things like the Pet Rock, Mood Rings, Sea Monkeys and Yoga, and realize that all of these inventions (not saying necessarily these ones, but perhaps) and many more are the forced creation of the Illuminati. These are not real products or practices, but they have earned our members billions of dollars. If you can pick up a rock and say it’s an invention, you could be our next breakthrough inventor!

TAKE A TRIP TO SPACE

If you’re a poor, scholastic or scientific sort, we’ll run you through Cape Canaveral. If you’re too great a capitalist or “don’t pass your physical”, we’ll get you the green and run you through the Cosmodrome. Either way, if it’s the stars you want to see, we can get you closer than anyone else, and we guarantee it… though in all fairness, sometimes that just means Space Camp, but we can get you on as an administrator even there, and that’s worth its weight in gawky neo-teen Mathletes, another thing we can secure for you, should we need it to pay you and/or blackmail you into submission.