FAQ

Once you join the Illuminati, the asking of questions is strongly discouraged. The best time to get all these things out of the way is now, when no one is looking that you are aware of, and you are not yet a member.
- Questions About Joining
- General Questions
- Member Questions

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JOINING QUESTIONS

If you’re considering joining the Illuminati, here are some questions you may have about the process.

Can I join if I’m of the less-than-heterosexual persuasion?

We know that homosexuals are not “less than” heterosexuals, and we welcome them into our folds, and sometimes even in to our folds, when it is to our secret societal advantage to do so. If your price or vice is same-sex lovers, that may be a stock in which we can trade. An Illuminati member once demanded as payment to have sex with Anne Heche, who was not herself a homosexual. Her price was fame and with the transaction our power grew.

How much does it cost to join?

There is no cost to join the Illuminati, and we do not require any standard fees in the future. In fact, once you join us, we will pay you! It works like this; you join, do as you’re told, and when we give you your opportunity, you repay us for your success as we tell you to. One actor paid over $100 million to us last year alone, but he did so gladly, because if it wasn’t for us, he would have nothing. If we give you a million dollars, and ask you to pay us 900,000, you are still richer for your membership. In this regard, it costs less than nothing to join us. We never ask you to give more than we give to you.

What religion do I have to be in order to join?

We prefer Christians, specifically white Christians, but our members have been everything from Sheikh to Scientologist. It doesn’t matter to us what religion you subscribe to, so long as deep down you are a Christian. Also, you will be required to take a blood oath to the dark lord Lucifer soon after joining.

Can I use my phone book to call random numbers to find someone to let me join?

Well, you can, technically, but this is not a very good strategy, and you may find a number of extremely nasty responses. Those are most likely from persons already in the Illuminati who see your desperate, unimaginative attempts to join us as evidence that you are unworthy.

Can I join if I say words like “conversate” or “expresso”?

No you can not. No exceptions. We may be a secret society, but that would give us a reputation as complete nincompoops, and we simply can’t have it.

Does the Illuminati guarantee a meteoric rise to fame, power and prominence?

Of course not. All we can do is give you the opportunity you deserve. We’re like a giant record company (and I’m not saying we control them or anything, though you’d be wise to make that guess for yourself.) We can’t make you the next Eminem, but we can cut you a five album deal with a guarantee to spend $10 million promoting each album. You might go huge, or you might just go big. For some people, “living the dream” just means having a union job you can’t get fired from that lets you show up late, shoot smack, and still make $78,000 a year. For others, it means being a dark horse candidate in an unwinnable election who ends up holding a very powerful office… sometimes in an oil rich state.

I suffer severe mental retardation, but want to be a politician. Can I join?

Yes. We often prefer mentally challenged individuals working in public service, especially in the higher offices. It’s not that we don’t discriminate, because we do, it’s that intelligent people can sometimes develop independent thought, free will, and a conscience. These are not characteristics we seek in political officials. Point in case; look at politicians.

How much money can I expect to make after joining the Illuminati?

However much you need or desire, that is the amount we will give to you. There are people in your city holding road construction signs that make over $20 per hour, and people that longshoreman that just take cargo containers off the ships that make over $110,000. You could be one of them in a matter of days. If you’re an artist, you could make $200,000 next year just by pawning off a few pieces to city projects that have budget to burn. It really doesn’t matter what you need or want. What matters is that you can have it, and have it immediately, just by answering.

What does it mean when you say that joining isn’t “as easy as FaceBook”?

Oh, that was just an offhanded comment. What we mean by that is only that we actually screen for sexual predators looking to connect with underage girls, and that we don’t just comply with law enforcement, we actually care about the protection of underage girls from guys over 40 seeking them out online.

I’m kind of worthless, can I still join?

You are not worthless, and yes, you can join. More than that, we really want you to. You may not think much of yourself, but we think the world of you. Specifically, we think a very small part of this big, big world of you. John Hinckley Jr. thought little of himself before he shot Reagan in the torso. He thought Jodi Foster would never even know who he was, but today she does know. All he needed was the right opportunity. Whether it’s spreading a message, making a policy decision or popping a hack shot at a sitting leader, you may have a place in our organization.

What weird things can I do once I’m a member?

We don’t govern what our members do, exactly, though we do make a handful of demands from time to time. In essence you can do whatever you want, and you’ll never be held to task for it by any laws of God or man, only to us, but you have to earn it first. You can be as weird, or do as weird of things as you would like, provided you’ve already given back to us in kind for what we’ve done for you. For example, if you wanted to, just as an illustration, you could jump up on a couch and throw out all kinds of things about crazy aliens causing life and suffering on earth, and we’d let it slide, but you better brag a billion bucks solid in box office receipts before you do it.

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GENERAL QUESTIONS

If you are not a member, and you are not considering joining, these questions should most closely match your inquiry.

Why such a big secret for so long?

The teeter-totter of power necessitates that the weak become mighty and the poor become powerful. As soon as an empire is built its demise becomes inevitable. By remaining secret we have been impossible to hate or target. You can’t fight an invisible enemy.

Can I make a donation to the Illuminati?

We are not a non-profit organization, nor are we a public one. If we were public you would see that your $100 contribution would mean absolutely nothing to us. Like an eyelash lost on the tracks below Grand Central Station. If you want to support us, go do anything, or don’t, and you’ll succeed. The stores you shop at, the banks you trust with your money, the movies you watch and garbage you put out to the curb. All of these support us, so please go on about your life and know that there is nothing you can do that doesn’t support us in one way or another.

Where is the Illuminati headquarters?

Our decentralized headquarters is everywhere. We are in your community, near your work, and just down the street from your parents back east. We have control centers near your vacation hotspot in the mountains, the outback and anywhere in Europe. We control everything from everywhere. Our call center, however, is in New Delhi, for budgetary reasons.

How many popes have you guys assassinated?

Illuminati doesn’t assassinate popes, people assassinate popes. You could argue that Illuminati are people, and that most people are Illuminati, but to answer your question, more than a few… or we’re joking… or boasting. There was a time when it was quite fashionable to assassinate a pope, and though no slaves to fashion, we may have succumbed to social pressure just a bit.

I’m thinking of a particular war, were you guys behind it?

We do not answer questions about specific events, but yes. There have been very few wars since our inception that we were not directly or indirectly responsible for starting, or that we didn’t benefit from more than any party to that war. This is not because we love war, but because war is so good for everyone involved with the possible exception of the dead, wounded and losers. It’s very good for the manufacturing and construction sectors, specifically masonry, just to name just two.

What do the Illuminati support?

We support both sides of every conflict. We create the issues and protests. We support the aggressors and the rebellious victims. By controlling all sides of every debate, we can drive the narrative and decide the outcome. We support only the things that we support, and we do so in ways you may never understand, but always for surgically precise, predetermined reasons.

If you guys are all knowing and all powerful, how come there are typos on your site?

Go fcuk yourself.

Is it true Illuminati have mastered time travel?

Yes. Every one of our members has the ability to travel forward in time very slowly.

Where can I find a directory of Illuminati members?

Try the phone book. While there are plenty of names in there that are not among our ranks, it might surprise you find how many are.

Isn’t the Illuminati just about helping the rich get richer?

Money is meaningless. Money can only rent power, but power can always buy money. Currently, no amount of money can buy you a nuclear bomb, but a nuclear bomb can, in fact, buy you any amount of money. Even pretending you have a nuclear bomb, like North Korea claims, yields instant billions in cash. Donald Trump and Walt Disney both went bankrupt, but came back stronger than ever because they were powerful, even when they had no money… We can not confirm or deny that either Walt Disney or Donald Trump are members of the Illuminati, but consider that Trump bought a skyscraper for a mere million dollars, and Disney “magically” got copyright laws changed to save Mickey Mouse’s licensing rights from entering the public domain. Coincidence? Sure, go with that theory.

Is it true the Illuminati have control over tow truck companies?

This information is generally reserved for people who are already members, but yes. The business of towing vehicles is a very expensive one, and someone has to pay to keep it afloat. If you think $96 is high for a jumpstart or unlock, you have to consider that us Illuminati pay nothing, and there are more of us than there are of you. If you think $200 per day is too high for storage costs on your impounded vehicle, you are correct, but bear in mind that they are among us, and thus untouchable, and if you want your car back, you have to either pay them their unimaginably exorbitant rates, or join our ranks to get it back for free.

Did the Illuminati cause slavery?

Slavery, unlike most institutions known to our world, existed long before the Illuminati, so it would have been impossible for us to cause it. We did not invent slavery, though we may have made more than a tidy sum from it, and we may have used it towards our political gains throughout the years (thank you very much, Mr. Lincoln,) but it’s clear our hands are free of blood, whether red, blue or black.

Is the Illuminati Evil?

This is a difficult question, and one that can’t be answered simply. Mostly it depends who you ask. There are two schools of thought on this question. The first group tends to answer with a resounding “yes”, while the second hasn’t typically heard of us.

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MEMBER QUESTIONS

If you are already a member of the Illuminati, you know better than to ask questions. In lieu of doing so, please consider some of the following answers to unasked questions.

I forgot the secret hand shake, can you please remind me what it is?

This tactic has not worked for infiltration of our ranks since the 1700s. Please do not attempt this when dealing with an Illuminati member, or you may be targeted.

What if I’m told to do something I disagree with?

You are never “told” what to do. You are asked to perform tasks, and you perform them. We are not a democracy, orders are not open for discussion, and they also aren’t orders, they’re requests… and you fulfill them.

How do I deal with bad credit, tax liens and collection agents?

Don’t deal with them at all. The Illuminati doesn’t “fix” bad credit, we reinvent your perfect credit. Tax liens and judgments will disappear with just a few quick phone calls. Collection agents who are members (and there are plenty) will apologize. Collection agents that are not members will either apologize or face unspeakable ill (seriously, it’s best not to speak of such things.) Once you are a member, you will be given an administrative code to include with your next letter to the credit bureaus. You will have positive marks for credit you’ve never even had, and a score as high as anyone in the nation, and nobody will ever look down on you again.

How do I quit my membership in the Illuminati?

All memberships are terminated upon death. There is no other way to part with our fraternal order. If you still wish to leave, you may do so by filing a written request through proper channels. We will dispatch someone to terminate your membership within a few hours. I hope this is perfectly clear to you, because it is not a matter we take lightly.

Is my membership transferable?

What? Are you joking? No, of course it isn’t transferable, it’s a lifetime membership, and members have to be pledged and sponsored and cultivated. This isn’t a timeshare in Tahoe, this is an entire philosophy of civilization.

I own a acreage atop a dirty pond of oil, how will we make money off it?

Thousands of our members have been asking this for years, which is why we increased the global crude oil price from $29/barrel to over $140/barrel. This shift in price is the maximum we can allow at this time, since it’s already ten-times beyond its actual value. If this is still a price too low for you, we regret to inform you that you will have to wait another 3-4 years for prices to hit $290/barrel, which we are working on. There are only so many hurricanes we can craft across the Gulf of Mexico before the meteorologists start blaming global warming.

There’s this guy I want killed, can we arrange that?

If it is an Illuminati member, then the answer is definitely no, otherwise the answer is probably no. What we can do is assign a team of investigators to delve into his/her past to determine what wrongs may have been caused, and weigh them against potential future gains. We can, however, have his/her job terminated, incur an IRS audit, call loans on cars or property due, or have children taken away without a hearing. If these remedies interest you, just contact your bough grievance representative to coordinate an immediate strike.