CASE STUDY #4: All Conspiracy Theories

There are crazy people on the one side, crazies on the other side, counter crazies in between, and assorted sorts of the indifferent on the fringes who are still drawn in. Much as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, crazy is only in the throes of final ambiguity.

If you’re confused, you can imagine how the masses have felt for centuries hearing tales of ill-willing barbers, fluoridated water, and alien colonies living deep beneath the surface of the earth.

Are you still confused? That’s why you are one of the masses, and we are the powers that be.

With a simple waggle of the scarf and a wave of the wand we can almost perform magic. Surely we can’t make the big things appear or disappear, such as food or shelter, but with can distract you long enough that you won’t see where the action hand is really moving, and that’s the crux of the conspiracy theory.

We debated whether or not we should publish this, for fear that people might get wise we’re playing a global shell game, but decided people who are so busy being “you” have no time to recognize what people who are “us” are really doing behind your backs, in front of your faces, and to you, specifically your wills and wallets. Reason won out, and we are telling you a plain truth to your face you’ll never believe because, no matter how reasonable it is, it’s just too damn logical to possibly be true.

If you’re still confused, don’t feel badly about it; it’s a perfectly natural state for plebian masses like you. The point is that, no matter how ugly the truth is about what we’re doing, we can always imagine up a smoke screen so thick you can’t see through it.

Think about how a recent president pilfered the federal coffer for far more than it was worth, but by shouting “terror” he was able to take your eye off the prize (which had already been sold on a no-bid contract.) As soon as you realized you’d been robbed (notice the job and home losses, or maybe the rampant inflation in food or energy prices perhaps?) we stepped in with “the truth about 9/11” and “the black America agenda” or the “You’re going to have a person with a vagina for a president, and a dusty one at that, because we know her old man is a chubby chasing intern-rapist.”

Does it sound drastic and dramatic, or like the exact rhetoric you’ve embraced for years while airport lines grow longer (terrorists are bombing trains now, not planes) and you can’t walk in to a government building without being groped and handled by a clown with a magnetic wand.

Let’s face it, violence is more likely to strike in your home than a city courthouse, but still we’ve got securitards on the take in every building, and while you’re busy pretending not to bitch about it, you’re paying for it at rates beyond even union usury, and you take it with a grin because the last thing you want to do is bend over any futher.

It’s not just the imaginary war on the ambiguous front of supposed terror, or the premium you pay in fuel anytime the word hurricane is mentioned in passing, but it is all of that, and many more things too, and they all coalesce into a shitstorm of accidentally expressed foul language on television and a quick glimpse of a tired and haggard Jackson nipple. Honestly we wanted Michael’s, but his rates are out of reach these days, so we settled for Janet.

Have you forgotten the point of the story already? That’s because you’ve been distracted by the evil agenda of powers greater than you that want to see your anus abducted, your full-moon landed upon and your twin towers knocked over by some force magically more powerful than gravity and ten-thousand pounds of burning jet fuel.

You know the World Trade Center was taken down by a controlled explosion, don’t you? Well if you don’t, it’s because you’re right, and the screaming idiots who say otherwise know it as well as you and I do, and we say that with authority because they are almost certainly our operatives. Whatever the truth may be, no matter how ugly, there is rarely a way to hide it, but we can always obscure it behind a thick screen of smoke thrown up by forcing the brightest minds in the world to engage in discussions even a child would be embarrassed to admit recognizing. Sadly, they have to engage the discussion, and if they aren’t among our ranks, they have to salute those who are, and that process can take months, years or even administrations.

Notice how the Microsoft breakup was avoided by merely dragging the matter out a decade? Notice how Exxon got off with less than a slap on the ass for destroying the Prince William sound by discount litigating for decades despite earning hundreds of billions in the interim by exercising the same lack of caution? These matters are not coincidence, nor are they conspiracy theories. They are the silent schemes of actuality that slide beneath your radar while you’re too busy debating the culpability of fast food in the fattening of your fantastic ass.

We are not behind every conspiracy theory, we ARE every conspiracy theory. The greatest threat to MTV in its early days was VH1, which was invented and owned, as if by providence, by the very same cable giant that owned MTV. They invented their own greatest competitor so you wouldn’t bother to think to seek any other, and as cable grew, Viacom added the channels and you pretended that was the same thing as having a choice.

We are the Illuminati, and you are all just a pack of rabid jackasses on a good day.

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